Jack and Jill went up the hill... to knock at the door of a spooky old house. "What if an old lady answers the door and she really wasn’t an old lady at all but a witch?" asks virginal bride Jill (TINA RUSSELL) to her creep of a husband, Jack (HARRY REEMS). Naturally, the old lady that answers the door is, in fact, a witch and she’s soon responsible for giving them both some truly DARK DREAMS. And, like the nursery rhyme, this Jack and Jill are also doomed.
En route to a motel immediately after getting hitched, horny Harry is already bitching about marrying "about the only virgin left in the whole world!" He tries to taffy-pull Tina by the side of the road but is left grumbling."! just hope you’re worth all the waiting!" What a guy.
Making their life even more miserable, their car gets a flat, they have no spare, and they’re soon knocking at the above-mentioned door, hoping to use a phone. The old lady of the house promptly lets them in and serves them some "tea" which she just prepared in a big bubbling caldron. Harry gets dizzy. Tina passes out, and everything gets weird-The old bag turns into DARBY LLOYD RAINS who quickly gets Reems-rammed while Tina, still unconscious, is carried off to a room by a spooky guy in a satanic robe who lies next to her and fondles her boobs before turning into... well... a doggie. Russell wakes, meets a blond stud with green paint on his cheek and they’re suddenly in the shower together. Whoops! The shower is suddenly cut short as Tina is then tied up and mauled by a lesbian until — Whoops again! — everything is suddenly interrupted by a topless belly dancer. Maybe.
Obviously, this is a Hardcore Hallucinatory Horror and about the only explanation we’re given is when the old lady returns to ask Harry if he’d "share" Tina with them and join their coven. She promises him "a thousand women every night" if he’d only give them "that little creature you call your wife."
Harry isn’t sure so he sips some more tea and he’s suddenly with that lovely brat face from FEEL who’s smearing a bowl of whipped cream on herself. She rides Harry’s rod as Tina continues to be dinner for that enthusiastic dyke. Then Harry bones a black chick while that spooky satanic guy dresses Tina in a wedding dress for her big impalement moments later... Perhaps.
And the point of all this? Virginity is dangerous. Put a stop to it now.
-- Frank Henenlotter
Format: DVD-R
Year: 1970s
Color: Color
Starring: Tina Russell
Co-starring: Harry Reems
Other cast: Darby Lloyd Rains